Now, if he’s the kind of shitty Dom who preys on inexperienced subs, he may not care what people in the kink scene think of him. After all, you can do more than talk to him… you can talk about him. But it might make you feel better, BDSM, and who knows? Maybe he’ll start to worry about his reputation. If this guy is a bad Dom - if he’s a truly shitty person who can’t be trusted - hearing from you isn’t going to magically turn him into a safe and trustworthy Dom. “But if it would make BDSM feel better to dash off a quick message to him about the definition of ‘hard limits’ and explain how destabilizing it can be for a sub for a Dom to switch things up like this mid-scene, or challenge limits in general, I don’t see the harm.” “The burden is never on the victim of bad behavior to change the perpetrator,” Dune says. Which means he either didn’t realize he’d done something wrong, BDSM, or he hoped that you, an inexperienced sub, would continue to submit to his manipulative bullshit, i.e., the consent violations he tried to pass off as consent-seeking “renegotiations” once play had started. Since you wound up having to ghost this guy, BDSM, I assume that means he continued to contact you expecting to play again. “Even if this guy didn’t mean to put BDSM in this awful situation - which, let’s be real, challenging someone’s limits is as fundamentally red-flaggy as it gets - he still did that and BDSM’s feelings matter.” “When it comes to D/s dating, the question is almost never about a person’s intentions but rather about the effect,” says Lina Dune, host of the Ask a Sub podcast. But even if we give him the benefit of the doubt - even if he didn’t know that attempting to renegotiate limits during a scene is never OK - you have every right to be angry. You were an inexperienced sub when you played with this guy, BDSM, but you don’t say whether he was similarly inexperienced. Will anything good come from this or should I just let it go? I also worry that more women are going to have their boundaries violated by this guy. Recently, I have seen this bad Dom on a few different dating apps and I’ve been thinking about sending him a message letting him know that what he did was wrong. I have since found a terrific and loving Dominant partner who has thankfully helped me explore my kinks in a way that makes me feel safe and cared for, and I know now that a good Dom ALWAYS respects limits, especially in the middle of play. The experience left me feeling terrible, but I didn’t communicate that to him at the time and just ended up ghosting him. I should have ended it there, but it was my first time in a D/s situation, and I think he took advantage of that. I said no a few times, but he kept asking and I eventually gave in. In the middle of our first play session, he tried to renegotiate those limits. We discussed what we were comfortable with and our limits beforehand. A few years ago, I wanted to explore my submissive side and met up a with a Dom I connected with on a kink site.
I’m a 29-year-old bisexual woman in a non-monogamous relationship.